The Vanity Drive
by CrankWindPencil
Summary: When the crew of the TARDIS lands in an alternate dimension, the Doctor is forced to introduce the TARDIS Vanity Drive to his friends on order for them to return home. AU to 'Rise of the Cybermen'.


**Hello! So after my friend made me sit down and watch an Ed's World video, we figured that it might be fun to adapt it into a Doctor Who fanfic. And so that's what happened. I give all due credit to Ed's World for the idea of the Vanity Drive, as I'm just borrowing this imaginary machine for a fanfic full of imaginary people in imaginary places. That's out of the way, so you're free to go forth and read! Disclaimer- I do own this lovely Streetlight Manifesto CD that I'm listening to, which, to be honest, almost makes up for not owning Doctor Who.**

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The TARDIS stopped.

Not just the center column, mind you, but the entire thing. Lights flickered of, noises ceased, and as best as anybody could tell, they had landed. When or where, they hadn't the faintest clue, as the external scanner's screen had gone black, along with the rest of the ship's internal instruments. After a moment of decidedly unnatural silence, Mickey spoke.

"...What's happened, then?" He asked, motioning to the TARDIS interior. The Doctor hesitated a moment before answering.

"The-" His voice broke off and he cleared his throat. "It's dead. The TARDIS...Last living TARDIS in the universe and it's dead." He paused, glancing over at Mickey and Rose.

"Where are we at?" Questioned Rose, clearly uneasy at the Doctor's answer.

"No idea." He admitted. "But probably nowhere good if it can do _this_. Best check it out though." He said, starting towards the TARDIS doors. Opening one of them, he peered outside at their surroundings before retreating back inside the ship.

"Well," He started, apparently somewhat unnerved by what he'd seen. "That's a bit interesting."

"What is?" Asked Mickey, staring at the Doctor.

"It would appear that there are...Zepplins outside."

Mickey faltered.

"I'm sorry?"  
The Doctor was silent a moment before closing the TARDIS doors and beginning to make his way over to the main console.

"Alternate universe." He declared, as ig those two words would explain everything that there was to explain. "There are hundreds of them, thousands, _millions_, all pressed up next to each other like pages in a book. They're universes, a lot of them are similar, but the point is that each one of them is a universe where a different decision was made; Partners never married, children never born, ministers never elected, that sort of thing. And each of those choices spawn of a different universe, like this one. The Zeppelin succeeded in this dimension, so there are dozens of them outside. Didn't work out so well in yours, so the idea was abandoned. You see what I mean?"

Rose nodded some, watching as the Doctor raced around the TARDIS console, frantically flipping switches and adjusting dials.

"Yeah." She said. "But how did we end up here?"

"No idea." Said the Doctor. "Back in the day, with the Time Lords, that is, dimension hopping was easy. Hop across a couple different universes and be back in time for tea. Not anymore though. That...It disappeared a long time ago. I don't know how we ended up here. We shouldn't have though, that's for sure. Not a problem though!" He flashed a grin that was just on this side of sane to Rose. "Because I know how to get us back!"

"How's that then?" Asked Rose, saying what the Time Lord so obviously wanted to hear. The Doctor pulled a final lever with flourish, and out of the seemingly lifeless TARDIS console, out popped a mirror. It seemed to be a mirror at least; Perhaps a foot and a half tall and nearly as wide, shiny and silver and attached to the console by a bundle of stiff cords and wires.

"With this!" The Doctor exclaimed, motioning grandly to the mirror. Rose arched a questioning eyebrow.

"A mirror?" She asked, clearly skeptical. The Doctor smiled.

"Oh, this isn't just a mirror, Rose," He chastised. "It's a Vanity Drive!"

"A what?" Asked Mickey from near the ship's doors. The Doctor spun around to face him.

"A Vanity Drive. It's an emergency power source that runs on the vanity levels of the user."

Rose blinked.

"Tangible vanity..." She trailed off. "That is the single most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

The Doctor shrugged.

"But it works."

Rose sighed.

"Alright then. How does this thing work?" She asked. The Doctor glanced at the mirror.

"You just sort of look into it and...become increadibly vain about yourself." He said, sounding vaguely uncertain about the prospect.

"And that powers the TARDIS?"

The Doctor nodded.

"More or less." He confirmed.

Rose took a breath.

"Alright. Let's get this over with." She said, exasperated.

The Time Lord shot an uneasy glance at Mickey before looking into the mirror once more.

"Come on, pretty boy. Show us how this works."

The Doctor's gaze switched to Rose again.

"Pretty?" He asked, incredulous.

"See for yourself."

Furrowing his eyebrows together, the Doctor did as Rose had instructed, positioning himself in front of the mirror. After a moment, his eyebrows escalated.

"Hmm." He paused. "Never really...noticed my hair before..." He trailed off and Rose laughed.

"You've never noticed your hair? How?"

"I mean, I've _noticed_ it, but I've never looked at it like this..." He looked at Rose for a moment. "It _is _sort of amazing, isn't it?" He focused his attention back on the mirror, running a hand through his hair absently. "...Sexy..." He muttered.

A smile pulled on the edges of Rose's lips as a flicker of light coursed though the TARDIS console.

"I think it's working." She said, motioning to the controls as a mellow glow continued to illuminate them. The Time Lord glanced at the console.

"It's not enough...' He said, trailing off. A grin suddenly lit up his features as he turned to face his companion. "I need you to come over here and tell me how sexy I am, Rose." He said, voice laden with amusement alongside a very real sense of urgency.

"What?" Asked Rose, taken aback.

"It's not enough if it's just me trying to work the thing." The Doctor explained. " I need some help with it."

"And help includes..."

"Yes, help includes you complimenting me on my dashing good looks."

Rose blinked.

"You're kidding."

"I'm afraid not."

"Well then." Said Rose, starting towards the Time Lord. "Mickey, you might want to...You know."

"Got it." Mickey replied, opening the TARDIS doors and stepping out. "I don't need to hear this anyways."

The door closed and the Doctor looked at Rose.

"Let's get on with it, then." He said, clasping his hands together. Rose met the Time Lord's gaze.

"...You're enjoying this, aren't you?" She accused. The Doctor shrugged.

"It's not all that bad." He admitted.

"Bloody hell," Muttered Rose, walking over to where the Doctor stood next to the Vanity Drive, clearly expecting.

Pause.

"I- I don't know what to..." She trailed off slightly with a vague motion of her hands. The Time Lord flashed a smile.

"You just go on ahead and tell me how good I look."

"...This seems like t's going to inflate your ego a fair bit." She noted.

'It's a _Vanity Drive_, Rose." The Doctor pointed out. "It _runs_ on over inflated egos."

"We should get Jack in here." Rose muttered. The Doctor stifled a laugh, but otherwise remained quiet. Finally, Rose focused her attention on the Vanity Drive and the Time Lord's reflection.

"Oh, Doctor," She started, voice stiff and horribly unnatural. "Your hair makes we..." She paused, struggling to find an appropriate word. "_Swoon_." She finished.

Silent laughter shook the Doctor's body.

"How I wish to run my hands through and ruffle it." She continued in the same voice as before. "And your eyes, they are simply magnificent."

A flash of light flickered through the TARDIS console, though instead of dimming as it had before, it stayed a constant brightness.

"How about my bum?" The Doctor prompted, doing the best he could to keep his voice steady.

Rose shot the Doctor a glare, catching the smirk on his features just before it disappeared. She smacked him on the arm before looking back at the Vanity Drive.

"And yes, his bum is fantastic," Rose's face flushed pink as she said the words. "Nicely proportioned and...beatiful."

At this, the Doctor, there really was no other word for it, the Doctor giggled. Rose turned to face the High and Mighty Time Lord, who was currently dissolving in a fit of high-pitched laughter.

"And his giggle," Rose continued, all earlier traces of stilltedness removed from her voice. "Is quite possibly the most adorable thing I've ever heard."

At Rose's words, the TARDIS, although it was already lit at the console, becomes all around illuminated, giving it a sense of new life. After a moment, the Doctor's laughter dies down, and at the sight of the revitalized ship, a smile is plastered onto his face.

"We've done it." He said, a mixture of amazement and awe in his voice. He gaze a whoop. "It's back!" He exclaimed. "The TARDIS is back!"

Without hesitation, he started around the console, piloting the ship."You'd best let Mickey in." He said as he typed a command in. He suddenly glanced up. "And under no circumstances are you to tell him what happened!"

Rose flashed a smile full of half-agreed-to promises as she worked her over to the TARDIS doors, opening them and taking a step outside. As he continued to adjust the ship's controls, the Doctor heard a faint conversation outside, followed by his companions coming back into the TARDIS and closing the door behind them.

"Whatever happened, I don't want to know." Mickey disclaimed as soon he entered the ship.

"I don't want you to know, either." Said the Doctor.

Despite himself, Mickey laughed.

"What happens in the parallel universe, stays in the parallel universe." He joked.

The Doctor nodded firmly.

"Exactly." He agreed. "Now, I don't know about you lot, but I've had enough alternate universes for a while. Time to get back home." He pulled a final lever a flourish and spun around to the guard rails, latching onto them just as the TARDIS began its travel it the Time Vortex, shaking and rattling as usual.

Normally, the Doctor didn't mind the memories of his adventures, cherishing them even. This, however...He shook his head and did his best to focus on the imminent future. Anywhere they ended up, any adventure they had, it would undoubtedly be better than this had been.

Perhaps they would land on a planet full of fire and rebellion and difficult moral decisions.

He grinned at the prospect.

"Allons-y!"

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**That happened. If you're thinking that I have no shame, you're pretty much right. But, you could tell me that in the review you leave and _really _rub it in my face just what your exact opinion of what type of person I am, and what you thought of the story, probably to a lesser extent. Even if you don't leave a review, thanks for reading, have a fantastic day, and DFTBA!**


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